he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
