Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
