i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
