Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
