Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He shit in the fireplace
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