Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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