hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
There's always time for handjobs
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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