there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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