You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
