if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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