I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
