Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
