I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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