The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Randomize
