He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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