My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
