he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I am available for nakedness
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
