went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
