Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
