Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
