There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
