I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
