I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
