My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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