I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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