ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
