By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
