I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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