they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
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