my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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