I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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