I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
These tits shall not be calmed
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
