I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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