woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize