wanna go halves on a baby?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
