It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
