I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize