Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
