Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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