Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
