I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Randomize
