we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
