Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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