Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
