Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
