I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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