that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Randomize
