Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
