The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
