i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize