you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
