if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
