EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
