you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize