I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
