I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
