omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
