you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
