Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
